February 2012
I still don’t know what’s going on. I was discharged from the center this morning. My mom is almost here to help me pack/move my stuff with me. I’ll be driving my car behind her on the way to Nashville. We still don’t know if Skyline or Vanderbilt will be taking me. I appreciate the support and messages, but please, for fuck’s sake, stop asking me details or when...
I’ll either be at Skyline or Vandy at this time tomorrow. I’m pretty nervous but I know this is what I need.
I’ll find a way to let you guys that’ve asked know where I am.
good news/bad news
good news: i’m coming back to tennessee tomorrow. for good. no more champaign. bad news: i’m being transferred to vanderbilt hospital for a while and won’t have my phone/computer/access to talk to anyone.
I’m tired of the same shit head doctor. I’m tired of being the most stable person in this facility (which isnt a bad thing, i just have no one to talk to/relate to). I’m tired of top of the hour smoke breaks. I’m tired of crying and not having any say in my treatment.
Please tell me how it makes sense that I still have panic attacks when I take klonopin but the doctor...
These mornings are feeling the same. Same wake up call. Same faces. Same lineup outside the door. Same questions. The only thing that changes is the dose.
“How do you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Any better?”
“No.”
“Are you suicidal?”
Silence. The rope from yesterday is swinging and hitting him in the face and all he can do is ask questions...
slammindat asked: about the suicide and doctor dismissal um is that from somewhere? like a story or did you write that?
Shit that sucks:
Having a panic attack and knowing that you can’t have your anxiety meds for another 7 hours.
[TW: suicide and doctor dismissal]
It’s been such a hard morning.
“Are you suicidal?”
His voice was cold. I could’ve said no or taken the pen from his hand and stabbed myself in the neck and his face wouldnt’ve changed.
The question has been catching me off guard. I think it’s because they ask in a way that leaves no room for explanation. Suicide isn’t black or white, holding the razor...
Some dumbfuck of a doctor just told me he wanted to discharge me tomorrow. This isn’t going to go over well with me. I hate everything.
It’s 2:22 AM. I can’t stay awake or asleep. I don’t like the way I feel right now. My chest feels really heavy and my stomach has a knot in it, like I just got bad news even though I’m really really alone. I want this to end.
Either they forgot to take my phone or they don’t care. Cool.
I took my first dose of Klonopin 2 hours ago. It made me feel sad and tired. I went to sleep, but woke up about five minutes ago feeling so so restless and like I can’t stop moving. It’s going to be impossible to sleep tonight because every time I close my eyes, my limbs start to feel firey and they start kicking and...
“The pain doesn’t go away. You just make room for it.”
Already causing trouble.
Hahaaaaa, I made a friend. We were in the living room watching Snapped and the nurse came by and made us turn it off because it isn’t “appropriate for the given setting”.
Whatever man.
Anonymous asked: stay strong beautiful. you have to much to lose, dont hurt your self <3
marcelinethevampirequeer asked: hey, I know we don't really know each other and nothing I say is probably that relevant but I'm glad you're here.
victoriasue asked: Baby girl, I just want you to know how much I love you and how amazing you are. I lost your number, I don't know how it's just not in my phone anymore for some reason or I would be texting this. You are incredible and I know how strong and witty you are. You are going to be just fine. I love you.
This is kind of my new reality now, so I’m going to talk about it. It’s a weird thing to talk about because it’s something I don’t bring up a lot, but I’m dealing with it pretty directly.
I was admitted to the hospital last night and placed on suicide watch. At 6 this morning, I was transferred to a different facility where I’ll be staying for probably a week....
2 tags
And nothing’s going to change that hopeless feeling I get when you say you understand and I know you can’t.
Am I allowed to use this word to describe myself?
iamateenagefeminist:
1. Has this word been used against a specific group of people in the past or is it being used against a specific group of people in the present?
If no then you are allowed to use that word to describe yourself.
If yes then move onto question two
2. Are you a part of the group the word has been used against?
If yes then you are allowed to use that word to describe...
1 tag
Said the straight cis white middle class woman.
2 tags
it smells like weed in my room like there is definitely weed somewhere within 5 feet of where i’m sitting and i can’t find it and it’s so frustrating
5 tags
For some reason, I’m spending more time researching Lupron, and I’m somehow just now realizing/learning that it’s a chemotherapy drug. Oh, so that’s why the side effects are similar to chemo side effects. Makes sense.
4 tags
Tonight's mood wrapped up in two pictures.
This definitely means I’m not putting clothes on until at least tomorrow afternoon when I finally decide to leave my house.
4 tags
Watch
This is day six without a cigarette, and I’ve definitely found a way to train my mind into not wanting to smoke. Every time I think about smoking, I do a really quick (but quickly tiring) workout routine. So I’m going to not be smoking and I won’t be unhappy with my size anymore. (y)
Ooooh, which flavor of minimum wage do I want for lunch? Chicken? Creamy chicken? Beef? The choices are endless.
Anonymous asked: How would you advise someone who believes that a general month of fucked up events in their life is leading them to develop drunken depression? I've lost my education (temporarily), my career, and pretty much my interest in life... and I have no idea why. And... I can't even ask this to people I know... or off anon.